The science of secrecy: 10 must-know tips for letting your affair remain a secret

Everyone who has gone through middle school knows the problem with keeping a secret. Sooner or later it always gets out, whether you like it or not. That’s just how it works. But how come it seems so hard to just keep the mouth shut about a little misstep? Especially since it lies in our own best interest to zip it? Well, in this article we will guide you through the intricate and deceptive landscape of concealing your innermost secrets. Here’s the scientifically informed guide on how to keep it closed when you better.

Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.

Mitch Albom

It’s with fibbing like with anything else in life: practice makes perfect. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be oh-so mentally taxing. In a previous article (link) we went through how to step up your lying game when it comes to convincing others. Now it’s time to deal with the issue of convincing yourself (to clam up) before it’s too late. Because once the cat’s out of the bag, there’s no going back.. Because when the cat is out of the bag, there’s no going back.

Exactly why its so hard keep it down has long been subject of academic debate, given the complexities of the topic. After all, there are pro-social aspects not always being fully honest or covering it up with a white lie. A possible solution to the dispute has lately been offered the psychologist Michael Sleepian by shifting focus from others to ourselves: It’s not the secrets itself that’s the problem, it’s thinking about them. When we’re withholding things from the world, we feel inauthentic. To ourselves, it appears as we’re not being our true selves, which gives rise to cognitive dissonance between our “private” and “public” self. Applied to middle school logic, revealing secrets becomes not only a way to stay in the limelight but also to show our true colors.

But not only that, research shows that keeping secrets is, in fact, detrimental to your health. Actively withholding information from others leads to fatigue and lower overall well-being. When you’re sitting alone in your chamber, dwelling on the skeletons in the closet, it drains your energy by simulating a constant threat. For what if someone finds out? What would they think? What would they do? Or not do? In other words, it’s essential to learn how to handle your secrets, not only for the relationship but even more so for yourself.

Passive concealment: Secrets as a Faustian bargain

One of the most illustrative tales on the issue of keeping secrets is The Portrait of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. After realizing that he one day will lose his youthful beauty the young Dorian Gray makes a deal with the devil sacrificing his soul in exchange for eternal youth. The manifestation of the bargain, a full-body portrait of himself, comes to accumulate the burden of his sin and age in his place. Successively his secret corrupts him from the inside and hiding the portrait, and thus his true self soon turns into an obsession. In his attempts of covering his authentic self from the world, Dorian falls further into the abyss and commits ever-greater crimes. Until he one day can’t stand the sight of his lost soul and commits suicide.

Although there are probably few of us who made an actual deal with the devil, we can probably all relate to the feeling of being consumed by a guilty conscience. Who hasn’t felt compelled by a heavy heart to come clean — just to come clean? Anything to get rid of the aching feeling of having wronged. But what if the burden only is a kind of phantom pain? Sometimes the longing for the forbidden is more tearing than actual guilt.

But what if we haven’t done anything wrong? If we’re just longing for something forbidden? It may prove well as excruciating and the consequences may still prove dire. Everyone prefers the truth until they hear it — especially when it comes to extramarital adventures.

So how should you handle the burden of secrecy? Without necessarily compromising your situation or risking that some “friend” spills the tea on you, there’s a lot you can do. Here the five most effective tricks according to science in order to stop ruminating over a faux-pas:

1. Socialize it online: Perhaps you remember the app Secret? It was dedicated to just this but was used for a lot of other things as well. There are still quite a few apps available for those who need to lift a heavy heart, like Whisper. Otherwise, you can just do as everyone else and write a two-mile article on Reddit and get railed in the comments.

2. Talk it over with your confidant/therapist: A natural solution. Just find someone with an obligation to observe silence and you will be fine.

3. Write a diary: By concretizing and sharing your secrets, even so through a diary, has shown to have a slight therapeutic effect.

4. Just do something: Our mind is hardcoded to gravitate towards the concrete over the abstract and “fuzzy”. The priority order is higher so to speak. A classic way to reduce stress is therefore to occupy yourself with someone practical, like making pottery. Not only will it keep you from ruminating but may also give some good value in the end — like a new pot or two.

5. Do affirmations: Secrets are often about recollection of previous actions, which we can’t be undone. A hidden mistake, an affair, or something else. Positive affirmations have shown to be an effective technique for accepting and distancing yourself from things that cannot be changed.

Actively concealing your secrets: It’s all about the stress

Now you know how to deal with the toxicity of secrets implicitly, next we will deal with explicitly hiding the truth [from your partner]. The problem with secrets is, as said, that it imposes a cognitive load on our brains. By actively keeping things from others, we’re in fact consuming our working memory. For every secret withheld or lie told it’s getting a little harder. And that brings about the major problem with lies: they accumulate. What started out as a little white lie may well turn into an intricate web of half-truths, non-truths or even outright lies. When harboring dirty little secrets, we need an outlet. A way to blow of some steam. Or we will fall under the pressure.

We’ve previously gone through how to fib like Ben Franklin, what we didn’t say was how to reduce the cognitive load while fibbing. It can be compared to keeping too many tabs open at the same time in your web browser — it breaks down a crawl. Overwhelmed by stress you risk losing focus and — may God forbid — just happen to tell truth. If only to ease the stress. The active concealment is similar but different to passive, it’s literally all about “minding your p’s and q’s”.

Here are 5 scientifically validated strategies for keeping your head cool in a confrontation:

1. Only leave out parts of the truth — instead of outright lying. Or as Ben Franklin put it: “Half a truth is often a great lie”. And he was right, in more ways than one.

2. Go over the story by yourself before so it sits. It won’t only make it easier to remember, but it will also make you less prone to slip up.

3. When you’re in a heated situation, try to slow down by pausing and asking for clarification from your partner. It doesn’t only give you time to think but eases your cognitive load by freeing up working memory. Win-win!

4. Focus on the details: Don’t let your partner set the tune by clinging onto some hard and indisputable facts in your story. It can be a great method for both stalling and derailing your opponent from their script.

5. Just say no. Refuse to be baited by just saying no. Easy as that.

It’s often perceived as harder to actively keep secrets than passively, but that’s only one part of the story. When we succumb to the pressure in a confrontation it’s usually because we’ve built so much stress and anxiety that telling the truth becomes a relief. For better and worse. Deal with your bad conscience before and you will have a much easier time when it really matters.

Final Comments

By the end of the day, you need to decide whether this secret is really worth taking to the grave. Because if that’s the case it will take some serious effort. We’ve given you the fundamentals for pulling this off, for example writing a diary or socializing it online. And what if you need more help in keeping it hush hush? Get in touch!

At Sans Apercu, we offer bespoke coaching for those intricate moments in life, from planning a secret liaison to tactfully handling situations that ‘never happened’ — and making sure your partner is none the wiser. Our diverse and multicultural team is here to support you, embracing individuals of all genders, sexual orientations, and cultural backgrounds. Connect with us for a relaxed chat on enhancing your relationship at www.sansapercu.com or through our social media channels.