I did NOT have sex with that woman — and neither did you: How to bluff like boss

Bill Clinton might have had his ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman’ moment, but way before him, Benjamin Franklin was the OG of pulling the wool over eyes. Franklin, known for his lightning experiments was also dabbling in some serious trickery. Centuries before Trump, he pushed fake news stories and manipulated his way through the most esteemed circles of his time. He knew the secret on how to spin the story, make it credible, and how to get away with it. In this article, we’re going to outline how you also can become a trickster par excellence. Here’s the scientifically approved way of lying without getting caught.

We are never more true to ourselves than when we are inconsistent

Oscar Wilde

Most of us find it uncomfortable and burdensome (having) to lie. The reason is that it puts cognitive pressure on the brain in a similar fashion to how taking an exam does. You may be able to keep your head cool for a while, but as the heat goes up it becomes increasingly difficult. It applies in particular if you’ve up to something you shouldn’t — like ended up in the wrong bed in the wrong part of town. Luckily though, there’re a few easily remembered pillars to cling onto.

The examples we’re using here are aimed at covering up an affair in true Benjamin Franklin fashion — the guy fathered several illegitimate children and probably bedded more women than Julius Caesar — while staying married. But the logic is applicable to whatever mess you happen to find yourself in. Learn to follow the script and spot the cues, then you can get away with pretty much anything.

And yes, kids, this approach works even if you were the one who took the last cookie from Grandma’s cookie jar.

The 12 ground rules any good liar must follow:

1. Minimize the number of lies in order to build trust capital: Don’t tell your partner you hit the gym when you actually stayed home and watched porn all afternoon. Let the rule be: Only lie when you really have to.

Oscar Wilde’s inability to adhere to this rule by lying about his age is said to have cost him the libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry.. The loss later paved the way for the subsequent trial where he was tried for “gross indecency” and convicted to hard labor.

2. The best rules are actually half-truths: Perhaps you made out, but you never had sex. That’s for sure.

3. Only lie about the one big thing: You didn’t cheat. You didn’t even hold hands.

4. Absolutely no convenience lies to make yourself look better: No, you didn’t stop by to buy them a present but found the stores closed.

5. Stick to the plausible: Skip the over-the-top fibs, like ‘Sorry I’m late for dinner; took a wrong turn on the interstate.’ It’s gotta sound believable, even if it’s not the most likely scenario. I mean, come on, who actually misses a turn on the highway. Except me, of course, whenever it’s time for a family dinner.

6. Minimize the number of loose ends: No chain is stronger than its weakest link. Need I say more?

7. Think before you speak: Inexperienced liars often tend to behave like French presidents, á la Jacques Chirac or Charles de Gaulle, with a lot of “errr”, “uhmmm” and “ahhhh”. Try your best to avoid this by practicing before the AMA session starts.

8. Learn to conceal your excitement: Getting away with bluffs and foul play can be incredibly emotionally rewarding, something which is known as “duping delight”. This you need to be aware of and learn to conceal, otherwise it will be more than obvious what you’re really thinking.

9. Use firm body language and vocality: Look them in the eyes, put your hand on theirs and put on that 4 AM DJ-voice as you calmly explain that “you never had sex (with that woman)”. Think Clinton, be Clinton.

10. Be careful with the use of “word bridges”: A word bridge is a conscious omission of certain parts of a story by “fast-forwarding” past an irrelevant or sensitive point Typical examples include: “well… and then we”, “after that we…” or “anyway henceforth…” Word bridges can be an efficient way to transition between main points in a story, but may also indicate that you’re hiding something.

11. Keep it casual: Liars tend to put emphasis on negations (“did not” vs. “didn’t”) and use exaggerations in order to underpin their claims of innocence, thus also avoiding contractions and abbreviations. In casual conversations, few people express themselves that formally and your lies should not be an exception. A classic example is Clinton’s famous wording “I did not have sex with that woman” instead of the more casual “Nah, there was no banging”, as the former comes with much stronger emphasis. Don’t go that much Clinton.

12. A good laugh saves the day: When faced with outrageous accusations, it can be a good idea to jump on the bandwagon with affirmative exaggerations. You haven’t only cheated once, you’ve probably done it twice.

The 5 things to avoid

1. Don’t try to appear disinterested by leaning backward or rolling your eyes in an attempt to signal the little substance you ascribe to the accusations. It won’t be a secret to anyone what you’re up to. Save your bad acting for the school play.

2. Don’t scream and shout in an attempt to appear upset over any “baseless accusations” they’re directing against you. Just like trying to appear disinterested it will only come off as bad acting.

3. Don’t jump the gun on your partner’s hypothetical questions by explaining everything you have (not) done or why you couldn’t have done it. In case you slept at a “friend’s” place, keep it at that level. Don’t get all worked up and say things along the line of “it’s only a friend. I must be allowed to have friends!”. Especially not before your partner has voiced any concerns over the said slumber party…

4. Don’t repeat yourself, one time is enough. Liars (and used car salesmen) tend to seek affirmation that the “victim” has understood and accepted their lie, typically a “that’s right-nod”. If the affirmative nod is absent, the liar (i.e. the salesmen) will reformulate and repeat over and over again. Needless to say, it is highly suspicious behavior, so don’t.

5. Don’t deny the obvious. When the evidence is stacked against you, truth to be told, your best is as sincere admission as possible.

Final Comments

It’s with lying like anything else: Practice makes perfect. But that doesn’t mean it can oh-so mentally taxing, especially when there’s a lot at stake. Perhaps you need more advice on keeping or anything else to get your affairs straight? Get in touch.

At Sans Apercu, we offer bespoke coaching for those intricate moments in life, from planning a secret liaison to tactfully handling situations that ‘never happened’ — and making sure your partner is none the wiser. Our diverse and multicultural team is here to support you, embracing individuals of all genders, sexual orientations, and cultural backgrounds. Connect with us for a relaxed chat on enhancing your relationship at www.sansapercu.com or through our social media channels.